McDonald’s announced Monday it will pay $5 million to become the official corporate sponsor of the livestreamed firing-squad execution of Fort Hood gunman Nidal Hasan.
McDonald’s is the first major corporation to buy advertising during the controversial broadcast, scheduled for Dec. 3. The Pentagon tentatively titled the program “Execution Extravaganza: A Five-Gun Salute to Freedom.” The event is set to mark America’s first public execution since 1936, its first streamed online, and the first ever promoted with a Happy Meal toy.
“Public executions are back and so is the McRib,” said company spokesperson Amy Shepherd. “McDonald’s continues to lead the industry in innovative marketing strategies designed to satisfy our customers’ growing appetite for bloodshed.” The company will also offer the Texas Meal Deal nationwide throughout December. The deal includes a 10-piece order of Chicken McNuggets (spicy or regular), medium fries and a medium drink. Shepherd said it will be priced at $13.09 in honor of the 13 people murdered during Hasan’s deadly rampage at the Texas military base in 2009.
McDonald’s also unveiled a new commercial featuring classic characters like Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and Mayor McCheese blasting the Hamburglar with McNugget-shaped bullets. It swapped the iconic “ba da ba ba ba” jingle with gunshots pitched to the original melody. Ketchup and McDonald’s Tangy Barbeque Sauce were conspicuously absent from the ad. Sources said executives feared the red condiments would invite unwelcome comparisons to the gore on screen.
McDonald’s sponsorship is widely seen as a boon for the Trump administration, which had struggled to pitch livestreamed capital punishment to corporate America. Chili’s reportedly rejected a proposal to switch the execution method to electrocution and replace the broadcast audio of burning flesh with the sizzle of its signature fajitas. President Trump also faced an embarrassing setback when several artists refused to perform for the halftime show.
McDonald’s announcement drew fierce criticism from Democrats on Capitol Hill. “McDonald’s can afford to spend millions on Trump’s death pageant, but won’t pay its workers a living wage,” said Illinois Congressman Raja Krishnamoorthi. “Hardworking Americans deserve better.” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer posted “I’m NOT lovin’ it.” He also told reporters McDonald’s “shameful” promotion had earned “a strong wag of my finger.”
Republicans and the White House praised the fast-food giant. “The same woke leftists who can’t define what a woman is are in no place to lecture us about morals,” said Tennessee Senator Marsha Blackburn. “I’ll be taking my grandkids to McDonald’s for a Lethal Legion Happy Meal.” White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller urged more companies to “overcome their cosmopolitan bias and stand behind the will of our nation.” “This is new to all of us,” he acknowledged. “But it will soon feel very, very normal.”
NOTE: This article is a work of satire. The events and quotations described are fictional and intended for humor and commentary.